On Sunday I discovered that Moli--- returned home to the orphanage, and was on the mend. That same day his caregiver posted on facebook that he was looking out an open door calling "daddy....daddy...!" Perhaps he saw his little friend's father, the Dr., who came down to the rescue when she was sick. Maybe he was wondering, while he was ill, where was his daddy?

I feel so immeasurably grateful in the level of care that our boys are receiving. Everyone is just bending over backwards to ensure their health and safety and love. Thank you, S---, for insisting that he receive IV therapy! I am so glad that you can stomp your feet as be his advocate and his mommy while I cannot - you did exactly what I would have done and I take great comfort in that.

This adoption is such a roller coaster of emotion. A term I know that I have used before but I can't think of a better way to describe it. One day I am content that they are safe and loved. I am moved by a strangers kindness, blessed by someone's words. Another day my reality is much darker and filled with concern and anger at the corruption that is getting the way of progress, the inaction of our government, and the callousness in which they tend to see this situation. And then I imagine all the folks that are living it day to day. As it is I feel like in everything I do that half of me is in Haiti and it torments me. I live in a world of stark incongruity. Everything I see flashes before my eyes in paradox to the images of a country on its knees that seemed to be burned on the backs of my retinas.

I have to find a middle ground somewhere, but how? Where do I draw the line and not find everything that is ingrained in our society silly and greedy? I need some new clothes...I need a haircut...I need new floors...I need.....I need...I need...And I am not by any means excluding myself from this absurdity. I just got a quote for a new island in my kitchen...while my own Haitian children have a home, or rather, a plywood shelter. A type dwelling that our society would hardly deem partially acceptable, even for camping. I am living a life of relentless self loathing for all this 'stuff'. How will I find my happiness again?

This road to adoption has opened my eyes to a world...no, not just opened my eyes...pulled me into a world that I knew existed, but one that once my paltry monthly donation was enough to placate my concern for the needy. That's funny. The needy. What's so ironic is that our society is the one that feels neediest of all.

I will continue to walk this tightrope, trying to find my center; my happiness. However, I wonder if things will ever really be the same for me, and often I find myself longing for ignorance. The kind that allows you to throw money at a problem and it magically disappears. The kind that doesn't follow you around, taunting you; reminding you that your concern is almost inconsequential; a drop in the ocean. Yet, you can't escape, because your children live in most people's worst nightmare....and all you want to do is just open your eyes...and wake everybody up.