Wow, it has been a long time since I last wrote. To be honest - I thought I was done with blogging - and for a brief and dark moment, we thought our adoption from Haiti was over. It has been too painful for me to even think about writing an update on our adoption. But something wonderful is happening. In, fact, I am not sure I should even be publishing this post until I know for sure as these past 2 months have been tumultuous and full of hope and heartache. The biggest emotional roller coaster we have ever ridden! But it is a wonderful feeling to be living in hope again, albeit the very guarded kind.
But now we have begun to see a light at the end of this tunnel, and our dream of a son is again a real possibility. I think a lot about this long process and how all of the stuff that never made sense before has begun to gradually stitch itself together at the seams.
Feb 4th, 2010 - that was the day that CIC put up a notice on their website that they would only be proceeding with adoptions where a match had been made - in other words - NOT us. On this day, we accepted 2 beautiful baby girls into our care to foster them until their mom got back on her feet. Over the next month we were consumed with our 4 children, 2 of them in diapers! We navigated through intense emotion, as this was our first foster care placement. We felt what it was like to have a family of 6. (It's difficult! but worth every minute.) While we knew that these girls would never become ours, I tried 'on' being their mom many times. It was great reinforcement to us that adoption was still a good path for us. But at the same time, we were still inclined to believe that this would never happen.
By having these children in our care, we knew with certainty that we wanted more. So we made a big decision about midway through Feb to, as my husband would put it, "pull the goalie". Given our past experiences, typically all he has to do is look at me at this point and voila! a pregnancy. Unfortunately something unexpected happened. As some of you know, I have been fighting chronic pain over the past year or so. I have been through countless ultrasounds, MRI's, surgery, procedures, medication, theraputic medication, homeopath, naturopath, diets, acupuncture, chiropractor, cranio-sacral therapy, massage (my favourite) and physio. Over the past months I have gotten the pain under control - almost gone actually. So when I stopped the pill I was surprised and greatly disappointed to realize that the pain came back - with avengence. I realized that there was no way I could go through nine months of this - without the ability to take my pain medication. So, it seems, we have come full circle, from a family who could was not infertile, but chose this path to our next children deliberately, to a family whose only choice for expansion is through adoption. I pray that we will come out on the other end of this with our son(s)?
Something else has happened in the midst of all this uncertainty, and as the fog lifts, I realize that when we gave up on this process and got impatient, that God stepped in and armoured our decision to adopt(painfully, but decision made nonetheless!). We cannot give up. Our son is out there waiting for all this bureaurcracy to disappear so that he can finally come home.
On Friday, Mar. 26th, our baby girls left us. They went home to their mom who is now healthy enough to support them. We had them for almost 2 months. In that time our eyes were opened to another world within Canada. And to the children here who flounder in a system full of flaws. But they enjoyed their time with us, and they got to go home to a mom who loves them. On the very day they left our care, we discovered that adoptions are open and being processed in Haiti, and that Canada should be allowing matched to come in and that they are still processing Haitian adoptions.
So what happened over the past 2 months when everyone said everything was halted? I don't know, but what I like to believe is that 2 little girls needed our love. That we had to make a pit stop to deliver some care and attention. That we needed reinforcement that our adoption is necessary and destined to happen. At least, this is now, and we are at the top of the hill waiting to throw our hands up and ride this ride to the finish. We found some sense and some peace in all of this so far. Please, God, don't let that change again.
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